*If you are related to either JR or myself, read at your own risk. This post may contain information of a sexual nature that you might not want to know about. You have been warned.
So, I stopped breastfeeding about a month ago and since then I’ve had to let go of my extra large boobies that went along with it. I’m definitely happy to finally be free of the horrible infections that had taken over my chesticles, but I am sad to see my larger sized ladies turn back into the large mosquito bites they were before I got pregnant. I put on a bra the other day and my chest DROWNED in it. I mourned briefly for my pregnancy/breastfeeding breasts, but then I remembered the totally awesome reasons why I was glad I was finally done with breastfeeding:
1. NO MORE HORRIBLE MOLDY BOOB INFECTIONS!
3. I can finally lose some weight. I know, experts CLAIM that breastfeeding helps you shed the baby weight… but it’s lies. ALL LIES. This morning I was FINALLY able to fit (with a large muffin-top) into my prepregnancy pants – since I am no longer shoveling large amounts of food into my face in an effort to keep my sweet LalaLucy filled with wonderful baby chub. I’m sure that breastfeeding DOES burn extra calories, but I had generally negated that benefit by increasing my caloric intake to match. Now that I’m not worried about keeping the baby rolls intact, I can eat less and the pounds are (slowly, but surely) melting off.
4. I can PARTY LIKE IT’S 1999! Except it isn’t. And I’m old… So my partying is more like having a beer or a wine cooler after I get home from work. BUT STILL- I don’t have to worry about passing any alcohol onto my sweet rolly-polly baby. And, if I wanted to, I could smoke the shit out of a cigar. If I had a cigar. Maybe I’ll get a cigar after work – a cigar would go wonderfully with the two year old Bud Light in my fridge…
5. My husband can once again fondle and play to his heart’s content. Yes, they were bigger – and yes, he enjoyed looking at them when they were bigger – but most of the time he couldn’t touch, because they either hurt or were ready to shower him with milk at the slightest provocation. And, contrary to popular belief, milk showers are not sexy.
6. I don’t have to lug a breast pump + accessories around everywhere at work. Which means I don’t have to worry about immature coworkers complaining that my CLEAN breast-pump accessories are in their line of vision (even though they were in a container, up on a shelf) or that my bags of breast milk are near their food in the freezer.
7. I don’t have to freak out when I’m getting low on milk anymore, because I can just run to the store and get some more. Yay stores and formula!
8. I don’t have to deal with my nipples being chewed on (mainly by the pump, but every once in a while I got some baby teeth to the nip) multiple times a day.
Don’t get me wrong, I know the benefits of breastfeeding and I’m glad I did it for as long as I did… but I am GLAD TO BE DONE!
RIP Breastfeeding D-cups. Until next time…